What's Happening In Your World
By Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses This past summer, my husband and I drove all the way from Boston, MA to Miami, FL. Being the fun couple that we are, we decided to do a fun exercise. I asked my husband to come up with his top three “turn offs” in women so I could write a fun blog post. Since we were on the road and making frequent stops, (we were driving with our three year old son and our and six year daughter) we turned it into a fun project . We asked random Black men what they felt were “turn offs” in their past or present relationships and we boiled it down to 25 main points. The purpose of the list is not to insult and offend Black women, but instead, it is supposed to be a fun way for any woman to take an inventory of herself with a desire to be honest about what she could do to become a better version of herself. To be honest, there were a couple of points on the list that had me giggling because I knew I was “guilty”. Ladies, feel free to leave a comment and let me know where your “guilt” lies and how you plan to grow and develop so that you are not as “guilty”, a year from now. Men, feel free to add your thoughts, but please, go easy on us Being “Unavailable”-Women who have a long list of things to do and somehow omit their man’s need for intimacy will eventually find themselves alone or feeling lonely. Being “ignorant” and bringing drama to every situation-You know the type; every time she is involved in a situation, she brews up some conflict or drama. Saying things like “I’ll fight a n!gg&r”. This type of woman will show up at her man’s job and stir up something and could even get him fired. Not being able to say “I’m sorry”. Nothing diffuses a potential fight like just humbling yourself and taking responsibility and accountability for your part in a disagreement. Having unrealistic and unreasonable expectations-like cheating and expecting your man to “forgive” and forget. Over-emphasizing their independence and saying things like “I’m a strong black woman,” usually as a disguise for irresponsible and selfish behavior. Imposing double standards like expecting to be treated like a lady and acting like a “chicken-head”. Saying things like “what’s mine is mine and what’s his is mine”. Another example is expecting her man to be a provider in the old fashioned sense but won’t be a nurturer and loving wife in the old fashioned sense, or working at McDonald’s and demanding a lawyer, doctor or some high paid profession as a potential partner. Having priorities in the wrong place and abandoning what is important to her man. Willing to go above and beyond for her “boss” at work but not for her man at home. Trying to control EVERYTHING. Examples are: Trying to control her man’s beliefs and force her man to go to church, or telling her man what to do, or trying to be your man’s Mom and tell him what to wear etc Being too flirtatious. It’s okay to be friendly but if your man has to wonder what would happen if he wasn’t in the room, then you may be taking it too far. Not accepting her man for who he is and trying to change him. Betraying her man’s confidence and privacy by talking about their relationship problems with another man (or women who love to bring men down). Expecting your man to read your mind. Just communicate what you want and trust your man to deliver. Being so insecure of yourself that you are constantly accusing your man of cheating or lying. Being too clingy. Give your man his space. You can have your own interests and passions without making them more important than him. Not being willing to try new things; being small and narrow minded. Having loose morals. This kind of woman has no boundaries and does not seem to have a level of self respect befitting a woman that a good man would want to commit to. Being right ALL the time and knowing EVERYTHING. Letting her friends run her relationship, especially the ones who have failed in their own relationships or can’t seem to keep a man. Being unsupportive and not able to affirm and encourage her man. Comparing herself with other women and comparing her man to other men and coveting other people’s lives. Trying to trick a man into making you pregnant. When he says he is not ready, he’s not ready. You can’t trick him and hope that he will change his mind along the way. Examples of this behavior are saying you’re on birth control when you know you aren’t or pricking condoms. Having a negative attitude. This woman is discontent about everything and everyone. She complains about everything and there is just no pleasing her. Women who take care of themselves until they get into a relationship and then start neglecting themselves and stop bothering with civility. These women look a mess and snap at their man anytime he speaks to them. Competing with your man at everything. While it’s okay to be competitive, accomplished and even ambitious, your man should feel like you’re on his side not against him. Pressuring a man to commit to you. If he wants to marry you he will and if you pressure him, it is more likely to push him away than it is to get him to commit. Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s blog at successfulblackwoman.com

Nomalanga: What Black Men Want…and What Drives Them Away

21643_001 Los Angeles, Ca

By Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses

This past summer, my husband and I drove all the way from Boston, MA to Miami, FL. Being the fun couple that we are, we decided to do a fun exercise. I asked my husband to come up with his top three “turn offs” in women so I could write a fun blog post. Since we were on the road and making frequent stops, (we were driving with our three year old son and our and six year daughter) we turned it into a fun project . We asked random Black men what they felt were “turn offs” in their past or present relationships and we boiled it down to 25 main points.

The purpose of the list is not to insult and offend Black women, but instead, it is supposed to be a fun way for any woman to take an inventory of herself with a desire to be honest about what she could do to become a better version of herself. To be honest, there were a couple of points on the list that had me giggling because I knew I was “guilty”.

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