Black Women

Dr. Boyce: Mean, Nasty People Rarely Find True Love

by Dr. Boyce Watkins I spend a lot of time talking about what it takes for black men to be decent.  Sometimes, brothers think I am picking on them, but that's not the case.  So, to balance things out, I thought I would take a second to speak about the ladies, although this thought applies in both directions. I hear from a lot of decent men who have trouble meeting kind, loving and considerate women.  This is the untold story in the black dating pool, since the nice guy isn't always the one who's in your face and dating five women at the same time (many of you have been hurt by the same guy and it's the guy that you ignored who was ready to have kids with you).  But as much as the narrative tends to be one that focuses on how pathetic the brothers are (yes, some of us are not relationship-ready on any level), the fact is that quite a few black women are not prepared to work for the very thing that they desire. Here's one tip that might help you (male or female):  The art of being nice can really go a long way in a relationship.  I'm not talking about being nice with conditions, if the person treats you a certain way or if you feel that you're getting what you want.  I'm talking about being nice because you are a nice person.  I have this conversation with my daughters on a regular basis, because watching them grow up as teenagers made me aware of just how nasty, catty and toxic some black women can be toward one another.  This can create a condition where frowns are more likely than smiles and "mean mugging" becomes an Olympic sport. I honestly tell my girls that they can be firm, independent women, while at the same time, allowing men to see them as the kind of pleasant, loving creatures that they would look forward to coming home to everyday.  Of course, there are women who don't want to hear a man say this, interpreting my words to exude some sort of anti-feminist desire to dominate the spirit of independent womanhood.  But I remain committed to sharing the truth:  Few decent men I know look forward to coming home to a mean, nasty person who nags him until his hair falls out.  He certainly isn't going to be interested in locking himself into a lifelong marital contract where that woman can leave him and take half his stuff so she can be with another man. One interesting thing I've noticed is that there are no mean people on the planet.   Everyone wants to believe that their heart is pure and that they only show their ugly side when they've been forced to do so.  It's the world that made you mad, and not something inherent in who you are.  Some of the most vile people I've ever met will gladly say that they are only mean because they have to be that way in order to cover the soft layers of a damaged, loving soul.  Honestly, a lot of criminals, murderers and child molesters are quick to say the same thing: "I hurt others because I was a victim myself," ignoring any personal accountability for their actions and outcomes, yet always wondering why no one wants to trust them with their heart. While we all go through our disappointments in life, we must take responsibility for our actions toward other people.  We can't control what others do to us, but we do have complete control over how we respond.  So, if your relationship has ever had you thinking about busting out someone's windows, kicking them in the face, or cussing out their closest relatives, you must realize that it was a personal decision to absorb and then release the poison that came to corrupt your soul. It will also be you who pays the long-term price for the bitterness by staying in "why me?" mode as you wonder why no one will spend more than a few minutes in your presence before moving on to a more pleasant situation.  Those are the facts, deal with it. My personal thought? If you didn't grow up witnessing healthy, stable relationships up close, and your current relationships aren't working, you might want to read a book or two on the topic....and NOT one telling you to think like a man or how to get over on the opposite sex. Most decent men I know don't want to date another dude and if you go into a relationship prepared for war, you'll either get more war or peace through submission and dominance (i.e. dating a pushover who doesn't respond to your abusive disposition). Unhealthy people tend to attract other unhealthy people, and two unhealthy people can't form a healthy partnership. Chad and Evelyn serve as Exhibit A.   Before you can have a healthy relationship with another person, you must first form a healthy relationship with yourself.  You will almost always either get what you give or get what you're subconsciously looking for, so if you're always getting the wrong things, the answers to your dilemma may lie inside.  You won't hear this from Steve Harvey. Dr. Boyce Watkins is the founder of the Your Black World Coalition . To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here. To check out Dr. Watkins in the Janks Morton Film, Hoodwinked, please visit this link. The post Dr. Boyce: The Invaluable Art of Being Nice in a Relationship appeared first on Black Like Moi .

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Just Reel Film: Black and Sexy TVs “The Couple” Celebrates Black Love

by Dorian Chandler, Your Black World The popular web series “Black and Sexy TV’s: The Couple” is helping to fill the gap that television and film has left behind–the African-American love story. It follows a contemporary Black couple as they make the difficult transition from dating to living with each other. Watching the daily adventures of this funny and realistic ...

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Oprah Gets onto the Balance Beam with Gabby Douglas

Oprah Winfrey has been working overtime to get her ratings up.  It seems that there’s no limit to what she might do, including getting onto a balance beam with Olympic champion Gabby Douglas. Winfrey got onto the beam with Douglas as they were shooting an episode of “Oprah’s Next Chapter.”   The two stopped by Liang Chow’s gymnastics facility in West Des Moines, Iowa. “OK! We’re on the beam,” Winfrey says. Oprah’s best friend Gayle King was there and suggested that she do something while standing on the beam. “Oprah, do something: Jump!” King said. Douglas has been on a whirlwind since winning two gold medals at the Olympics.  She says that she googles her own name is shocked to see millions of results. “It was an amazing feeling,” she said. Douglas has done photo shoots with major magazines, appeared on the David Letterman Show, and has now secured millions of dollars in endorsement deals.  People will be talking about her for many years to come, and she is now positioned as a role model for young girls everywhere.  It’s only natural that she be the subject of Oprah’s Next Chapter.

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Mary J. Blige and Angela Bassett Play the Wives of Malcolm and Martin: An even Match-Up?

Angela Bassett has been a staple in black Hollywood for decades. Her greatest role ever might have been when she played the wife of the late Malcolm X 20 years ago, but she has done quite a few great things besides that.  Her next adventure is playing the wife of Martin Luther King in a film set to appear on Lifetime. The new film, called “Betty and Coretta,” focuses on the lives of the women who supported two of the most respected black men in history.  One of them fought for integration and the other fought for independence, but they both fought and gave their lives for what they believed in. Oddly enough, the woman playing Betty Shabazz will be Mary J. Blige, who doesn’t quite match Angela Bassett when it comes to acting skill or experience.  Some have wondered how Blige received the role after not having played a role of this significance at any point in her career.  But people love her, especially black women.  It is also odd to see Angela play the wife of Malcolm in one epic film and then play opposite the wife of Malcolm in another. The title “Betty and Coretta” is just a working title for the time-being, so the official title will be announced shortly before the movie hits the airwaves.  The film focuses on the challenges of becoming single mothers after their husbands were killed.  These are the stories that were never told and often the ones that are the most painful. This leads us to two questions:  Should Mary J. Blige be playing such an important role opposite Angela Bassett?  Also, was the sacrifice of Dr. King and Malcolm worth it when compared with the hardship their families endured after their deaths?  

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BlackLifeCoaches.net: Be Dazzling, Be Empowered, Be Juled!

Being a woman is magnificently wonderful! Yet, the beauty contained in her essence transcends age, culture, and religion. She is truly an exquisite creature. That little girl inside keeps her constantly creating and making things no matter how grown up she becomes. Of course for us women, there are times when we think, “God certainly has

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Ladies, Beware Of The ‘Serial Hugger’

Police Have Identified A Serial “Hugger” In The St. Louis Area Who Has Been Terrorizing Women Police officers in St. Louis, MO, have identified a “serial hugger” who has been terrorizing women throughout the city for several months. Officers are currently pondering whether or not the “cuddle monster” should receive punishment for his actions. According to a local news station, at least 36 women claim they were tricked into hugging a man they did not know. The alleged hugger approaches women who are shopping alone and pretend to be a past neighbor. Detective Marshall Broughton said the man would say, “ Hi, remember me? I lived down the street in the corner house. How ya been ?” According to Broughton, the man would act quickly and leave women embarrassed for not knowing him. In other occurrences the suspect would tell his female victims that he was celebrating his birthday and proceed to hug them. Another says she was wearing scrubs when he approached her and claimed to have met her at a local hospital, when his wife was giving birth. One woman claimed the man even kissed her on the lips. Broughton says dozens of women came forward after a local TV station ran a story about the serial hugger, some citing similar incidents that dated as far back as three years ago. The man has been described as a 44-year-old Caucasian with brown hair. The suspect, whose name has not been relased, was arrested by Warson Woods police on June 20, but released after questioning. Prosecutors haven’t yet determined if they will press third-degree assault charges. Broughton added that since the man’s arrest, he hasn’t heard any new reports of hug attacks.  

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Christian Women Do Not Struggle With Lust or Envy? A New Study Gives Details

The Barna Group, a research firm, released some data about what Christian women in the U.S. claim to struggle with. The women claim to struggle less with so called “traditional” sins, such as lust or envy, than with what are refereed to as “modern behaviors”. This week, the Barna Group released a part of its study titled, “Christian Women Today”. The study revealed that Christian women struggled more with modern behaviors- disorganization (50 percent) and inefficiency (42 percent). Christian women did not cite traditional sins such as envy (13 percent) and lust (8 percent) as part of their struggles. Other issues that Christian women claimed to struggle with were anger  (36 percent) and selfishness (25 percent). As much as 73 percent of the women said their spiritual lives were full of joy while 72 percent said they enjoyed spiritual freedom and 67 percent claimed to have a lot of spiritual fulfillment. Only a very small group, 3 percent, said they they felt high levels of fear, doubt or confusion. David Kinnaman, president of Barna Group,  pointed out that the women’s self assessments may not be accurate, questioning whether so few women struggled with fear, doubt and confusion. Kinnaman suggested that maybe the women were just not willing to admit their shortcoming even if the survey was anonymous. One statistic that was questionable was how many women admitted to struggling with lust. While only 8 percent admitted it, Crystal Renaud , founder of Dirty Girls Ministries, thinks the numbers are much different. According to Renaud’s book ‘Dirty Girls Come Clean’, 25 percent of Christian women have an addiction to pornography and 70 percent of them will nevercome clean about it. Says Kinnaman, “There is a strong sense that social desirability is affecting the results…”For example, perhaps Christian women are reluctant to admit their struggles because they might experience shame and guilt by giving a more honest response. Perhaps women need to learn to have grace and compassion for themselves and one another.” Another possibility is that Christian women estimate their spiritual maturity at a higher level than it actually is and it was suggested that maybe they, as well as Christian men, need to learn how to better assess themselves. The study was conducted through surveying 603 adult Christian women in the U.S. who have attended a regular church service in the last six months.

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Man Vacationing With Wife On Carnival Cruise Ship Allegedly Raped 15-Year-Old Girl

Casey Dickerson Is Accused Of Raping A 15-Year-Old Girl Aboard Cruise Ship An unidentified 15-year-old girl claims she was raped in an extra cabin aboard a cruise ship. Thirty-one-year-old, Casey Dickerson, had access to the cabin after crew members relocated he and his wife  when she complained of noise. The married man has been charged after the teenage girl claimed to have been gang-raped by him and a group of teenage boys in a cabin of a Carnival cruise ship.  The girl said she and her 15-year-old friend were given alcohol before her friend was held in the bathroom by one of the teenagers while she was raped. She said the boys ‘switched’ positions and held her down on the floor as they sent away a person who came to the cabin door. Dickerson denies rape but admitted that he purchased alcohol for a group of teenagers on board the cruise which left Florida on August 16 for a four-day trip to the Bahamas. He also admitted to having sex with other women who were not his wife on board the boat. Dickerson, from Casselberry, Florida, told a local news station that it was supposed to be a fun vacation for him and his wife, adding: ‘ The cruise was great itself .’ He claims he was drunk, passed out and was unaware that anything sexual took place in the cabin. He is being held on federal charges of sexual assault at Orange County Jail without bail after a judge deemed him a danger to the community. There is no federal law for statutory rape at sea. The Attorney-General will decide if sexual assault charges are to be filed against juveniles. The agency is investigating the case, a spokesman said. A statement from Carnival Cruise Lines reads: “ Carnival is fully cooperating with law enforcement officials as the investigation continues .”    

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Nomalanga: South African President, Zuma Offends Women Saying It’s Not Okay to be Single

Mail & Gaurdian, a South African publication, is reporting that many women are highly offended at South African President, Jacob Zuma’s comments. Speaking on a television show of his  daughter Duduzile’s marriage, Zuma expressed happiness for his daughter and then went on to say: “I was also happy because I wouldn’t want to stay with daughters who are not getting married. Because that in itself is a problem in society. I know that people today think being single is nice. It’s actually not right. That’s a distortion. You’ve got to have kids. Kids are important to a woman because they actually give an extra training to a woman, to be a mother.” This morning I briefly participated in a Facebook dialogue surrounding Zuma’s comments and my response to one woman who was seemingly offended by the comments were: “I think Zuma’s comments may have been better stated or not stated at all-LOL!!! That being said, being a Mother and being a Wife are definitely powerful catalysts in the evolution of a woman. Trust me, before marriage and kids, I was the most self-involved person I know and these roles have both caused me to grow by leaps and bounds and they have taught me a lot about what it means to be a woman…#justsaying” Some of the women who commented before and after I commented went as far as to call the President a “Horny nutcase”, presumably because Zuma is a polygamist who, the last time I checked, had four wives; that number may have since gone up to five, as of this year. Another woman who commented called President Zuma an “idiot” and wondered why we even bothered to pay attention to his remarks. Yet another woman questioned how the President could make those comments without considering that a woman may have the desire to be married or the desire to have children but may not have a man, saying, I wonder what he proposes we single women do about his statement since both being married and having children depend on the consensual participation of a man! Even if we want to be married and have children we as women can do nothing but hope and wait! I still maintain that President Zuma could have used a better choice of words, but I still feel that he is not entirely off the mark. In the dialogue, I was very open, sharing that before I got married, I tended to end relationships quickly and now realize that at some points, ending the relationship was robbing me of an opportunity to acquire relationship skills. Every woman has her own journey to chart, but for many of us, being a wife and a mother teaches us so much about what it means to be a woman and it causes us to develop in ways that I feel we may not have done if we did not have those sacred responsibilities and roles. I take issue with anyone who makes broad generalizations about how a woman show live her life; whether she should be single or married, a mother or not, or even if  she is a mother, whether or not she chooses to work or not. That being said, I shared with my Facebook friends that as I get older, I have learned to embrace very aspect of being a woman, even the parts that make me appear vulnerable. I encourage women to exercise their right to choose what they want in life but I also tend to caution women that it’s important to find balance in the the many views that we are exposed to. Sure, women have come a long way-we now have many more freedoms than our mothers and grandmothers had but that also gives us a lot of responsibilities. We are not only responsible for ourselves. We are also responsible to our children, our husbands and our communities and societies at large.  Strong marriages and families are the pillars of society and as much as I walk the talk of a “modern woman”, I draw the line at the point where I foresee destruction. Sure, marriage and children may not be for everyone, but it still has been proven over and over again that if we want to give our children the best in life, we must do everything that we can to raise them in strong, healthy and functional two parent homes. President Zuma may have made a misstep in the delivery of his message, but at the end of the day, the message is clear: It’s good for a woman to find a husband and yes, having children does aid a woman in her evolution. That does not mean that a woman can not evolve to her full potential if she does not have children but there is no reason to be offended at the thought that our children can teach us aspects of womanhood that we may have never known without them.

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Researchers Find that Semen Makes You Happier, Seriously

It turns out that, according to scientists, semen is good for something other than making babies.   Researchers at The State University of New York have concluded that semen can make women happier and healthier.  Their conclusions came from surveys of 293 women, measuring their mental health. This work is a follow-up to other studies that have argued that seminal fluid contains chemicals that can elevate a person’s mood, increase affection and cause you to sleep.  They also say that it contains anti-depressants. The researchers also said that people who have regular unprotected sex do better on cognitive tests. In addition to spermatozoa there are other chemicals in semen, including cortisol, which increases affection.  Additionally, there are doses of estrone, which heightens the mood of those who consume the fluid. Added to the list are big doses of oxytocin, melatonin and serotonin.  All of these drugs either make you sleepy or happy, depending on which one you’re referring to.   All-in-all, it appears that there is a reason that people get closer when they have sex, even if they use the Bill Clinton loophole. Lastly, the study literally concludes that women are happier and closer to their partners when they have the man’s semen inside their bodies.  Also, it makes breaking up that much more difficult.  So, now guys may have one more piece of evidence to convince you to get what they seem to want.

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