Black Relationships

What Every Single Woman Ought To Know

By Kimberly Hudson-Grey

Single people need to be careful of who they decide to date. Let me say it this way. Dating the right person can be beneficial to your mind, body, soul, and career. However, if you decide to hook up with the wrong person, you’ll find yourself living in hell. That’s right, the wrong person will mess you up in more ways than you can think.  – Dr. Sinclair N. Grey III – From the article 4 Signs of A Deadbeat Mate

While talking to a co-worker a few years ago, she shared with me a story that I will never forget. At that time, she was in her early 40’s, never married and had no children. She always wanted to be married, loved children and wanted some of her own. She started dating an older gentleman while she was in her late teens. I believe she stated he was in his late 20’s to early 30’s. He was a hard worker who had been taking care of his mother and sister from an early age after his dad passed away. In fact, his mother and sister usually took priority over his relationship with my co-worker, who I will call PT.

PT loved her boyfriend and she often shared with him that she wanted to be married and have children. But for various reasons marriage was put on hold. She was, however, a member of his family in every sense. She attended family gatherings, attended church with him, and even babysat his nieces and nephews. Fast forward 20 years later – no wedding and no children. She was finally ready to let him go. Not because she had an ah-hah moment, but because she found out that her boyfriend was creeping with a younger woman at church.

PT (Poor Thang) decided to hook up and remain hooked up with the wrong person and found herself living in hell. This is a tragic story. I call her Poor Thang not out of sarcasm, but out of empathy. My heart ached for her because she lost so many years waiting and wanting something that she was never going to get, at least not from him.

How can a scenario like this be avoided in your dating life?

  1. Know your worth. You can’t expect your mate to define your worth for you. You must determine it for yourself. It isn’t uncommon for young adults to make unfortunate decisions in relationships, it’s trial and error in many cases. They’re still trying to figure things out. But, as expected, we should learn and grow from those trials and errors. With gained knowledge and maturity, we figure out what works for us in a relationship. Also, depending on what else you’re doing in your life, be it your career, advancing your education or personal interests, you should value your achievements. This should lead you to only want someone in your life who supports your efforts, In addition, they should also have aspirations of their own.

  2. Know what you value and desire. What are your deal breakers and what are you willing to negotiate? List them. You can adhere strictly to that list or use it as a remembrance for yourself. This ties into knowing your worth. If your deal breaker is someone who continuously dismisses your concerns or blows off your desires then you have someone who may be the wrong person. It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, just not right for you at the moment.

  3. Know that your time is priceless. Simply being content without any end result is what too many people, particularly women settle for. You have a God-given sense, some may call it an intuition of when you and your time is being used and abused. You know in your gut that the relationship is going nowhere. And, truthfully, it’s not the other person’s fault. You’ve heard the saying, “you teach people how to treat you.” You’ve also heard, “life is short,” which isn’t a cliché. The excuse that you’ve invested so much time is absolutely ridiculous. When you invest, there’s an expectation of a return. A great investor never continues investing in a deadbeat company and neither should you continue investing in a deadbeat mate.

Kimberly Hudson-Grey is an entrepreneur and international traveler. Follow her on Twitter @dessertlove100. You can reach her by email on

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